Jerry Seinfeld opening monologues from SEINFELD
~
originally aired on NBC from July 5, 1989 to May 14, 1998 ~
Season 1
(1989-1990; 5 episodes)
Season 2
(1991; 12 episodes)
Season 3
(1991-1992; 23 episodes)
Season 4
(1992-1993; 24 episodes)
Season 5
(1993-1994; 22 episodes)
Season 6
(1994-1995; 24 episodes)
Season 7
(1995-1996; 24 episodes)
Season 8
(1996-1997; 22 episodes)
Season 9
(1997-1998; 24 episodes)
Although
the sitcom SEINFELD had 180 episodes, not all have started with a Jerry
Seinfeld monologue. There are their transcriptions.
[Scene: Comedy club]
&&&
Season 1,
episode 1: The Seinfeld chronicles aka
Good news, bad news
(Air date: July 5, 1989)
You
know what this is all about? Do you know why we're here? [The Comedy Club]
To be out, this is out. And out is
one of the single and most enjoyable experiences of life. People ... did you
ever hear people talking about ‘We should go out?’This is what they're talking
about - this whole thing - we'll all out now. No one is home. Not one person
here is home, we'll all out! There are people tryin' to find us. They don't
know where we are. [imitates
on of those people ‘trying' to find us’ / pretends his hand is a phone]
‘Did you ring? I can't find him. [imitates other person on phone]
‘Where did he go?’ [the
first person again] ‘He didn't tell me where he was going.’
He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick the clothes, right?
You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the
car, the spot, the reservation ... then you stand around, whatta you do? ‘We
gotta be getting back.’ Once you're out, you wanna get back – you wanna go to
sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you
are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go.
Season 1,
episode 2: The stake out (Air date:
May 31, 1990)
So,
I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me: one of
them, her
total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both of course choose to
pay by the use of the [pause and gesture to audience for
response] [audience
pronouncing] check. Now, the fact is, if it's a
woman in front of you that's writing out the check, you will not be waiting
long. I have noticed that women are very fast [word explained with his hands]
with checks, you know, 'cuz they write out so many checks. The keys, they can
never find in their purse, they don't know where that is, but the checkbook - they
got that. They never fumble for the checkbook - checkbook comes out of a
holster: [‘draws’ imaginary book from an
imaginary holster] ‘Who do I make it out to?... There's
my ID ...’. There's something about a check that, to a man, is not masculine.
I don't know
exactly what it is ... I think to a man, a check is like a note from your
mother that says ‘I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people,
I'm sure they'll stick up for me ... If you just trust me this one time. I
don't have any money but I have these ... I wrote on these; is this of any
value at all?’
Season 1,
episode 3: The robbery (Air date: June 7, 1990)
So
I move into the center lane [of the street], now I get
ahead of this women, who felt for some reason, I guess, that she thought that I
cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me ... the finger. It
seems like such an ... arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and
you show it to the person. [shows several fingers to the
audience] It's a finger, what does it mean?
Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the
way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really,
couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger.
'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off,
the sock of and drive, get it up and uh
[pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to person driving next
to him] ‘Look at that toe, buddy.’ [puts his foot
down] I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't
it ?
Season 1,
episode 4: Male unbonding (Air date:
June 14, 1990)
Most
men like working on things - tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men
enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something
with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to
this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men,
it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just, you know, they go running
up to that living room curtain, ‘Honey, I think Jim's working on something over
there.’ So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No,
they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what
men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to
ask him dumb questions. You know, ‘What are you using, the Philips head?’ You
know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have
to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out.
They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But
if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences. Right over there.
‘What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that will hold.’
Season 1,
episode 5: The stock tip (Air date:
June 21, 1990)
Went
out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always
does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because money's a
very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat, money has no
value and you don't care about money when you're hungry, you sit down at a restaurant.
You're like the ruler of an empire. ‘More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly!
It will be the greatest meal of our lives.’ Then after the meal, you know, you've
got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the
mashed potatoes - then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset,
you know. They're mystified by the check. ‘What is this? How could this be?’
They start passing it around the table, ‘Does this look right to you? We're not
hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?!’
